14 September 2007

A Sick Film Made By Sick People For Sick People

This post's title references an (in)famous remark made by one of the executives of the production company responsible for financing Nicolas Roeg's Bad Timing. And Harvey Keitel don't even get nekkid in this one!

This film had a rather astounding impact on me.

One review I read claims that "
Bad Timing tells an extremely simplistic story". Sure, if it were a movie about a psychoanalyst who met a pretty young thing & had an affair with her, & then the pretty young thing ended up in the ER, I would consider the story simplistic. But...that's not the story. That's more or less the "Once upon a time" part of the story. The subtitle of the film at the time of its release was "A Sensual Obsession". That's the story. That's the plot. That's what happens. The film focuses less on standard plot machinations & chooses to make its story the repercussions of obsession.

And the film explores at extraordinary length an inherent factor in any romantic relationship - the desire to make somebody be who you really (secretly) want them to be. As Alex Linden (Art Garfunkel) theorizes when he & Milena (Theresa Russell) view Klimt's "The Kiss", the reason for the lovers' apparent passion & joy is because "they don't know each other that well yet" - meaning Klimt's subjects haven't discovered what would make the other perfect, hence they can still maintain the illusion of perfect happiness with each other. The original title of the film was, in fact, Illusions. Indeed, one of the film's first lines sums everything up - encountering each other at a party for the first time, Alex & Milena speak briefly. Alex says, "Why spoil the mystery? If we don't meet, there's always the possibility it could have been perfect," before confessing that he's not sure what that means.

Roeg acknowledges that nobody is immune from that sickness peculiar to relationships. Everybody wants to change something about their lover, & it's the question of whether you can ultimately accept that you can't accomplish this that often determines the longevity, & conclusion, of your relationship. The film offers a series of mirrors in a range of reflectiveness - Alex & Det. Netusil (Harvey Keitel, whose performance may or may not have been good; I spent every moment of his screen time trying to discern whether he was playing an Austrian or an American detective); Alex & Stephen (Denholm Elliott), Milena's Czech husband. The starkest mirror, the most absolute in terms of respecting the natural contrariness of the "mirror image", is betwixt Alex & Milena. When he laments that Milena will never change, she points out that "If you weren't who you are, I wouldn't have to". It's one of the most telling lines in the film, for it emphasizes that insofar as Alex wishes to tame the spirited Milena, Milena herself wishes that Alex would change. So the wild free-spirit is not immune to the sickness of wanting to mold somebody.

Subtlety is not a characteristic of Nicolas Roeg's. Although he never quite crosses over into Ken Russell territory, the filmic techniques that no doubt were fresh & new in the 1970s often seem a bit dated now. I think particularly of the cross-cutting employed in Walkabout to contrast the barbarianism of the modern world with the civility of the natural (Aboriginal) world. It's a bit obvious & overly dramatic. However, Roeg employed the same sort of labyrinthine structure in many of his films - the cross-cutting, the non-linearity. Bad Timing in a way reminds me of Atom Egoyan's magnificent The Sweet Hereafter, in that each film maker achieves the zenith of the labyrinthine structure (I would argue that Egoyan's style is a bit more akin to those Russian dolls (where each one reveals another) than Roeg's maze-like editing) in which they excel. To be somewhat more succinct, Bad Timing & The Sweet Hereafter are the pinnacle of each maker's distinctive style, in which technique & subject matter coalesce & commingle to masterful effect.

As for the actors, Theresa Russell is simply wonderful. It's difficult to believe she was twenty two when this was made. She has a unique quality, a definite beauty, but not in the cookie-cutter mode of, say, Jessica Alba. In fact, trying to imagine any contemporary young actress achieving what Russell did is well-nigh impossible. The few reviews that one can find online tend to carp on Garfunkel's wooden acting style, as though it were a fault of the film. I, on the other hand, thought it was, if not fully intentional, still rather effective. Because it helps obfuscate what otherwise might be as painfully obvious as those scenes in Walkabout - it keeps the viewer from guessing right away the lengths to which Alex's character is capable of going. What his "angle" is. How, exactly, Milena got to where she is at the film's beginning & what, if any, role Alex played in it. When the characters say they love each other, it's impossible to believe, because by that point all you see is their obsession with each other, & with each other's flaws. Is that a fault of the acting? If so, then it's an excellent fault.

The Criterion DVD release of Bad Timing marked the film's very first time on video. Twenty four years after it first came out. I expect the critical backlash was quite strong at the time of its release (
frankly, I literally have a very hard time believing this film was ever made at all, which is a sad commentary on the current state of cinema), & I can't imagine a lot of people went to see it in the theater, but apparently the main point of contention barring a video release was the film's soundtrack. I'm not surprised - the soundtrack features Tom Waits, Keith Jarrett (the Koln Concert, no less), Billie Holiday & the Who, amongst others. (Roeg actually tells a funny story in the DVD extras about how Jarrett's music came to be used in the film.) Luckily, the good folks at Criterion managed to rescue this film from oblivion.


I say luckily, & I mean it. It makes me indescribably happy that this film exists. But at the same time, I found the experience of watching it unsettling in the extreme. Extraordinarily disturbing. In fact, I found it more disturbing than David Cronenberg's Videodrome, which heretofore was kind of my epitome of disturbing cinema. After the film, I had to go to my video store. The experience was no less unsettling than the film. I literally couldn't make eye contact with people. I wanted to be nowhere near them & I was terrified that one would try to talk to me. The overheard & kindly put suggestion of a boyfriend to his girlfriend that she take some ibuprofen was met with disdain by the woman, who coldly said "I'm going to deal with it on my own. Why are you being such an asshole?" On the surface afforded to me, of course, it seemed that the woman was the asshole. But who's to say? Did they even understand the mechanisms of their relationship?

The ultimate mirror of the film is the film itself, for it is the mirror which Roeg wields at the audience. Said Roeg later of the film:

"I made a film called Bad Timing that I thought everybody would respond to. It was about obsessive love and physical obsession. I thought this must touch everyone, from university dons down. But it had a curious effect on people..."

Across the Universe

I've never been a especially big fan of the Beatles (I come down on the side of the Stones). And I've yet to successfully sit down & watch an entire film by Julie Taymor (though I thoroughly enjoyed the bits of Titus that I saw).

However. My love of musicals is no secret. Well, not modern cinema's equivalent of such, which I generally find obnoxious & lacking the whimsy essential to any musical, however dour, dark or bleak its denouement (Chicago is the best of the revival). Give me Busby! Give me The Umbrellas of Cherbourg! Give me My Fair Lad
y!

So, my *heart*-ing of musicals in tandem with my absolute passion for pretty pictures, makes me very intrigued about Across the Universe, Ms. Taymor's musical set in the 1960s, soundtracked exclusively by the Beatles catalog. I mean, really:



Such promise. These pictures are so awesome I'm almost afraid to see the actual film.

12 September 2007

Nasty Political Radio

For years I was tormented by NPR. Its demonic intrusions into my life were long, ongoing & utterly irritating. I mean, I hate NPR. Okay, so I know that really it isn't NPR that I hate so much as the situations in which I was forced to listen to it. The simple fact is, I am not political. Which apparently marks me as something of a rare bird amongst my acquaintances. The times during which my ears were sullied with NPR, certain of my fellow listeners were politically-minded, & frequently had a sort of tunnel vision to go along with the political platitudes. There is nothing that drives me crazier.

So I must admit I'm thoroughly baffled by the fact that, on my morning commute, I (1) decided I wanted to hear NPR & (2) actively sought out the local station that would be airing it. True to form, I recoiled at the familiar strains of the morning music, but then I kept listening.

My reactions to this morning's broadcast are as follows:

  • It seems the Pittsburgh Steelers have a lot of female fans. The announcer mentioned pink jerseys. If that's the case, thought I, well shit, I'm going to become a Steelers fan. Alas, a quick Google search revealed that the players don't actually wear pink jerseys - they are just sold as merchandise, designed to appeal to women. Oh well. I think the Chargers have the prettiest uniforms - the powder blue & gold? Mmm hmm. Too bad they're "throwback" uniforms. Whatever that means.
  • Iraq. Oh, Iraq. I know it's a bit ostrich of me to not know much about what's going on. But I've always thought the whole gambit was incredibly stupid. I have little patience for or interest in things I find incredibly stupid, for better or worse.
  • Why the hell do people live where hurricanes & other natural disasters not only occur, but are par for the course? I know it's mean but I can't help thinking that they fully deserve whatever travesties befall them. "Oh honey, I've got a great idea - let's move to the heart of hurricane country! Sure, our house may have its roof ripped off. Sure, we may get a bunch of flooding. Sure, our insurance will be expensive as fuck & not actually cover most of the hazards. Let's do it anyway!" Retards. Maybe it's nature's way of winnowing?
  • Oregon rocks! Sorry. I always took a bunch of pride in things Oregonian while growing up. We just didn't figure all that much into the national scheme of things most of the time. I was super-proud that Tonya Harding was from Portland. (And I took a bit of malicious glee when the trailer trash tart beat up the New England Vera Wang-clad princess. I admit it!) This time apparently Nancy Pelosi (who is the speaker of the House & therefore presumably a Democrat, though I know nothing else) was in town talking about energy stuff. And she was just raving about Oregon's energy policies. How awesome we are. I don't know. I think it's cool that other people think Portland is cool. Because Portland is cool. As is Oregon in general. The New York Times has, like, a huge Portland-centric hard-on. (Last month, it was PDX's friggin' tea scene. This month it's Stumptown Coffee. And about once or twice a month for the past year they've had an article on Portland.) The BBC did a segment on our public transportation ("The City Where the Car is not King"). It's nice, particularly since I so recently came around to Oregon. I don't regret living on the lesser coast for 10 years, because it allowed me to fully realize & appreciate how much I love the West Coast, & how much better it is for me. Now I'm only in danger of becoming a complete snobby jackass about it. Oh, wait. Shit. I kind of already am.

So anyway, I recently turned five. Er, I mean, twenty-nine. I've already had the "WHAT?" conversational experiences. I slept all last weekend (naps, even!) to recover from my previous several weeks of severe activity & lack of sleep.

My question is:
Is this another thing that happens when you get old? You wake up in the morning & crave National Public Radio?

If so, I've gone from graceful acceptance to sheer terror about this whole aging thing. I knit. I have cats. I take multiple medications. What could possibly be next?

10 September 2007

Stop the Madness!

Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull???

Why do I smell George Lucas, Mr. Attack of the Clo(w)nes himself, behind this title?

Not that the titles of the previous three installments are by any means low-key, but sheesh. This is downright silly. In a Springtime for Hitler kind of way. Which I don't think is intentional.

07 September 2007

Prologue: Like Sands Through The Playa...

I went to Burning Man. There is much to be said. Unfortunately, I cannot do it justice at the present moment. More to follow when I have time.

There is a part of me, however, which feels all one really need know to understand everything is that one of the very first things I saw upon my arrival in Black Rock City was a roller disco. For real. And that my immediate thought upon seeing it was, god I hope I'm camped close to it.


My camp was directly across from it.

I got to listen to bumpin' disco tunes & watch sparkly people roller skate anytime I wanted. All day. All night.

It was amazing.


And anything the roller disco synchronicity doesn't adequately convey, this picture ought to cover:


Fabulous. I'm so shiny! More to come...

06 September 2007

All Autumnal

FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL STARTS TODAY! FFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTBALL!

I'm excited. My team is playing the New Orleans Saints. God, how I've missed Marvin Harrison's mustache.

EDIT: Here's what I'd learned by the conclusion of last night's game:

  1. My secret fears that I might have stopped liking football in the off-season were unfounded. I'm as loud & belligerent as ever. Last night in particular involved a whole lotta yelling about "ass-munchers". In fact, I found myself contemplating whether I shouldn't try to get some channels on my TV at home so I can watch more games. (So not doing it, though.)
  2. Enormous Superbowl ring effigies are TOTALLY lame.
  3. John Mellencamp is scary-looking! And I can't believe he's still singing that small town song.
  4. I think Tony Dungy saw a dermatologist during the break. Also, I was surprised that they only mentioned the fact that he's the first black coach to win the Superbowl like once the whole night.
  5. "He's a tight end in name only - he can really flex his muscles." Heh. Oh, John Madden, how could I forget that you are a wondrous source of unwittingly dirty bon mots?
  6. Dude! The Colts' defense wasn't a post-season fluke! They ROCKED. Sadly, though I egged him on the whole game, Dwight Freeney never quite managed to "officially" sack Drew Brees, the New Orleans QB. (I know. I'm evil for rooting against the Saints. A downtrodden & devastated city's sole source of hope, etc. But I really just wanted to see a sack, & obviously I couldn't yell for the Saints to sack Manning.)
  7. I forgot a lot of technical stuff. Like what a "blitz" is. Or what a "left tackle" does, though I remember that it's a really important position. At least my fondness for the concept of "special teams" continues unabated. Also, I still can't manage to watch the entire field; my eyes will always just follow the ball, so I miss all the cool stuff that the other guys do, unless the announcers do a replay & describe what happened.
  8. But other than that, I discovered that I could easily be an announcer. They pretty much said all the same stuff I was saying (i.e., that the Colts' defense got appreciably better once Bob Sanders recovered from last year's regular season-killing injury. That it's really scary to have Joseph Addai as their only "real" RB.) Stealing my lines, the filthy bastards.
  9. Sometimes I don't like that I have a "team". I get way too involved, not to a dangerous extent - I mean, it's not gonna ruin my whole day if the Colts lose - but still.
  10. I know now what it feels like to piss girls off because I wanna watch the game.
  11. Marvin's still got the mustache. I think I might die a little inside if he ever shaved it off.

28 August 2007

Feminine Hygiene?

It's always kind of bothered me that, in stores with a pharmacy section, condoms are always kept on the same shelving unit as, say, Summer's Eve. Usually across the aisle from the tampons & sanitary napkins. In the girl section. On the shelves that remind us that we took the first bite of the apple. That hint that our ladyparts are somehow unclean unless the chemical scent of "Shower Fresh" wafts from them.

With regard to condoms, by sole virtue of placement, basically department stores & pharmacies are saying, "Hey girls, that's your responsibility". How many guys really want to go hang out amidst yeast infection medications to debate the virtues of plain ol' rubbers vs. the four-variety Pleasure Pack? (I know, I know, not all guys have issues with picking up a box of tampons for their girlfriend...but a lot do.) No, it's up to the girls to prevent the spread of veneral disease, if Wal-Mart gets their way.

Which, I'm sorry, but why? Call me crazy, but I always thought that, push come to shove, it's a dude's duty to sheath his pork sword. I take the pills; you get the rubbers. I mean, obviously, it's good to have some on hand. I guess that, really, it should be the equal responsibility of the involved parties. But damn, pharmacies don't really help out much on that whole "equality" front.

The icing on the cake (or perhaps the lube on the rubber?) is that when I rang up the box of condoms on the U-Scan, it registered on the screen & receipt as "feminine hygiene".

Indeed.

27 August 2007

You're Going To Have To Lose That Leg, Son

About six or seven weeks ago I drew a conclusion which led to a decision. The process was rather akin to a doctor's decision to amputate a gangrenous leg - at least, as I imagine it. It's all very Gone with the Wind in my mind. (A couple of weeks after that, I had the correctness of both conclusion & decision unequivocally confirmed, but that's a whole 'nother bowl of beans.)

The strange part is, after losing the leg, I feel like the doctor bestowed laser-shooting nipples on me as recompense. Everything in my life has suddenly become fantastic. And I've been really, really happy. Not to mention, I've had the greatest idea EVER (well, okay...Trish, we can be tied for first. Oh, BTW, just to validate my fabulous id
ea - as if it needed validation - according to an 8 August post on my beloved Portland food blog, "This just in, Oregon Cheeses won over 22 awards at the annual American Cheese Society Conference held last week in Burlington, Vermont, including 7 first place prizes in various categories. Woo-Hoo!" Dude, I'm so right on here).

Anyway. My world has gone totally butt-crazy D.I.S.C.O. on me. Even though nothing truly substantive has changed in my day-to-day, it's like that one choice has freed me to really enjoy life for the first time in well over a year. Although a cynic might say that this is because I've rather wantonly spent hundreds of dollars in the past weeks buying fabulous useless things for myself, & living in the pursuit of such is bound to make one momentarily happier, I am not that cynic. And random wonderful things just keep happening.

For instance: on Saturday, my folks & brother came up to tak
e me out to a (belated) birthday lunch. My birthday, my choice. I picked a Mexican joint in NE PDX called Autentica. Why? Well, to be frank, because I've never really actually been to NE Portland, save to sate a long-ago Saturday's hungover craving for a po' boy. I'm a bit embarrassed, but the reason is that the part of NE I want to go to is about four whole miles from my apartment. A bit too far to walk unless I'm totally juice. I don't know which buses run there. And I hate driving.

Anyway, so I used my lunch as an excuse to go to Northeast. I'll be brief, but it was fucking excellent. Delicious. Tasty. Pleasant. Everybody was happy, except maybe my father. The margarita was a wee bit light on tequila, & the service was, erm, "relaxed". But the food was amazing. I got the pollo en consome rojo (chicken in a dried chili broth) & a sope con chorizo, crema y queso (hand-made tortilla with chorizo, cream & cheese). I definitely want to go back for dinner - their dinner menu looked even more astounding. Mmmm....

Afterward, I suggested a brief jaunt about the neighborhood. My father, brother & I strode off. I espied a vintage store that was kitty corner to Autentica & decided to stop in. (The store had some pretty awesome furniture, decently priced...like a huge art deco armoire for $600...I need to go back.) Whilst exploring the store, I saw these boots...these fantastic faux leopard-skin boots. Usually, when you see th
ose things, they're always in a size 6. But these fit! And beautifully! And they looked brand-new! And they were only $12!

Clearly, those boots were my very destiny. That's why I insisted on Northeast. That's why I wanted to stroll about after lunch.


So it's stuff like that, which just seems to keep happening. It's like all this shiny, sparkling, flashing stuff is falling into my life - the best birthday EVER, Dirty Dancing at the Laurelhurst, Heather moving to Portland, Misty deciding to come to Burning Man (& also me going to BM in the first place!), the full-length faux fur coat from the 70s, the disco bar, shiny gold dresses, black halter dresses with sparkly gold spots, red snakeskin stockings, shiny dining room chairs, amazing ideas...the list, seriously, goes on. Hey, I'm not complaining. Look:


I'm just so happy to be happy. It's been too long! Cheers to draining the festering sores out of life.

23 August 2007

Disco Bar!



Was ever a piece of furniture more perfectly suited for yours truly? The pictures don't do the flashing lights justice at all, but so it goes. You get the idea.

I absolutely adore this thing. Perhaps one day I will actually use it as a bar, but right now it's the most excellent stereo stand ever. It's like having a disco fireplace.

It makes me very happy.

16 August 2007

Tres Exciting!

OMG!!!! I am about to have the best birthday ever! Seriously, with the possible exception of that one birthday in 2002, which was rather too naughty to bear repeating in a pseudo-public forum, I can't imagine how this weekend could fail to be super-fantastic.

I'm as excited as a five-year-old. Actually, I think I may wet my pants. Oh, wait. Certain wardrobe choices have rendered that rather impossible.

14 August 2007

Battlestar Galactica

Recently I've been watching the Sci-Fi Channel series "Battlestar Galactica". People's reactions to this show have surprised me - for instance, when I rented the first couple of discs from my video store, the clerks warned me that it would become my new heroin. (Confession: I was spared the shame of walking up to the counter with the final season of "The O.C." only because it was already rented. I suspect that selection would not have garnered such an enthusiastic response.)

And so, I suppose it has. Become my new heroin. Because while it's totally addictive, it also makes me feel kind of dirty & gross. Far be it from me, who has to avoid a veritable minefield of information on the not-yet-on-DVD Season 3 in order to glean any kernels of knowledge on the first two seasons of the show, to indulge in spoilers, but...I cannot resist airing a few grievances & handing out a few compliments. I WILL NOT GIVE AWAY PLOT POINTS.


1) Edward James Olmos is AWESOME.

2) Sharon "Boomer" Valerii (played by Grace Park) is HOT, & an extremely interesting character as well.

3) Most of the other characters are annoying as hell. In fact, I can't even make a list of annoying characters, because that would mean naming almost all of them, & I don't have time to look up those spellings.

4) But the show itself is still captivating. The interpersonal relations, the shifting dynamics, the tension, the action...good stuff.

5) Except that a lot of the time I feel like my chain's being jerked. It's like a pseudo-serial, where they drop tantalizing bits of plot before you, then just leave you hanging. (Sometimes I feel like I want it to be more like "Lost", where mystery abounds but you can trust that it's probably actually going somewhere.)

6) Which makes me very hopeful that eventually everything will tie together. Apparently the deal is, they've got a TV movie & then Season 4, & then that's it.

7) But somehow I doubt it. The show seems to often have an "issue-of-the-week" mentality.

8) Considering the sand-buried heads of most popular entertainment, however, this is refreshing, if frequently overwrought. A show that actually considers the consequences, & dare I say, ethics of torture, as opposed to "24", which merely revels in its own pointless brutality.

9) Though it's hard to care when the humans are, by & large, such buttheads.

10) Luckily, the Cylons are endlessly fascinating & I'm entirely curious to see what their deal is.

11) However, that just takes us full circle back to the possibility my chain is being jerked & these rampant speculations in which I've indulged will never see the light of payoff.

12) Then again, who knows? There's two seasons & a movie to go.

So, would I recommend "Battlestar Galactica"? Hell yeah. Do I feel like my expectations & hopes stand a good chance of ultimately being solidly crushed? Hell yeah.

13 August 2007

I'm A Capitalist, Baby. I Work For My Living, Not Suck Off Of Someone Else.


Hee hee! Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is the work that gives me respect for Roger Ebert, who wrote its screenplay. Who knew that Mr. Ebert was capable of penning lines such as "You will drink the black sperm of my vengeance"?

In fact, I'm utterly torn as to which is the better film, Valley of the Dolls or Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. How can you choose between the former's "You know how bitchy fags can be" & the latter's "This is my happening & it freaks me out"? Or the first film's "'Neely, you know you shouldn't take liquor with those pills'. 'They work faster.'", & the second's "You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime."

You cannot. Both are brilliant. Both demand to be seen.

If I had one complaint, in fact, it is that Beyond doesn't have enough sex. It's all implied. This was my first Russ Meyer film! I thought there would be, y'know, some freakin' sex! Apparently, though, he was actually trying for an R rating, so he shot lots of scenes for both R & X versions. It got an X anyway, but the studio insisted on rushing the film into theaters before he could re-edit the X-rated "R" version to add the actual X-rated scenes. Bummer.

Anyway. These movies RULE.

07 August 2007

Bear With Me Here

My left ankle is in pain from when I slipped down a couple stairs on Sunday.

My knee still hurts from when I fell last week on my way to the airport (note: slide-on platform wedge shoes + heavy duffel bag = BAD IDEA, people!).

My legs ache from the Sunday hours I spent crouched over the loft's built-in furniture, painting it. And I mean ache. I can barely walk (note: leg pain + high-heeled sandals = bad idea).

The cut on my finger looks like it's bleeding through the tape & bandages, but since I'm not supposed to touch it until tomorrow or Thursday, I'll just have to wonder. I banged it on my cubicle door not five minutes ago, which felt simply spectacular.

My left arm is stiff & sore & hurts like hell from the tetanus shot.

My neck has been a place of pain for several days now, as I keep falling asleep in terrible positions.

I left my Vicodin at home because I'm not supposed to take it at work, & tho' my office's first aid supply cabinet is chock full of Advil, Alleve, & Tylenol, not a single helping of ibuprofen is contained therein, let alone the 800 mg the doctor recommended.

My entire body feels like it has been folded & stuffed into an envelope of pain.

Shit, I even finished my book last night, so I'm fresh out of fun easy reading.

I find myself loathe to leave work early, as I've got a 20-hour CIC class starting tomorrow, plus I'm taking simply scads of days off (aka "PTO") this month already. But really I just want to go to my video store, rent some crappy TV or some old Hepburn-Tracy movies & sit on my futon knitting.

Um, also? It's friggin' August. And it's REALLY COLD outside. Okay, it's really 62 degrees & I know it will warm up to the 70s. But it's gray & cloudy & drizzling. NOT FAIR. It's summer! That five-month span in which we know no rain, only sunshine & blue skies! Bastards.

I may have said it before, & I'll likely say it again, but - life is pain, princess.

On the other hand, I'm wearing one of the five dresses I've purchased in the last month. Yeah, that's right - I've magically found five dresses that flatter me & were on sale in a mere FOUR WEEKS. Plus I bought really cute sandals whose cork wedge heels are loaded with GOLD SPARKLES (bonus: they are actually almost comfortable!).

So it's not all bad.

EDIT: Uncle, uncle! I give up! I think the shot has exacerbated my other pre-existing pains. It hurts to move. Futon. Drugs. Visual entertainment of an amusing kind. Sleep. Yes...the Land of Happily Stationary beckons. (For the record, it annoys me to no end that "stationary" means still while "stationery" means paper. Am I the only person who thinks that paper should be stationary-with-an-a? And that still makes way more sense as stationery-with-an-e? Sigh. Probably.)

06 August 2007

You've Got A Vicious Streak For Someone So Young

All right, so I'm not all that young. But I do possess a vicious streak of which I was once wholly unaware. I'm not proud of it, but neither am I shamed by it, & it does not seem to unleash itself without cause. We'll forgo specifics.

Karma, however, apparently thought I went a little too far. On Sunday, I was making bread. A batch of plain white bread & a loaf of cheddar bread, more or less scheduled to follow each other into the oven. I have not baked in oh! ever so long, but I've got a camping trip coming up & am indulging in a baking binge.

Anyway, the white bread was rising in my pantry in a big glass Pyrex bowl (it was a cool day but my pantry attains the desired 75 to 80 degree temperature at which bread should ideally rise). I carried the cheddar dough over, also in a big glass Pyrex bowl. I thought, hmm, I really should put down this bowl before moving the other. Then, like a big dumb stupid thing, I failed to do that & decided to move both bowls at once. Long story short, I lost the cheddar bread & one of the big bowls, & gained a nice deep slash on my left hand index finger just below the knuckle, which proceeded to bleed profusely. I called my parents to figure out whether it required stitches (the last time I had a cut that deep, I was 14) & decided not to sweat it. Eventually the bleeding stopped (actually, it more slowed than stopped) & the gash really didn't hurt that badly. Then I decided to go buy a gallon of Ralph Lauren Capri Pink & paint until one in the morning. Fantastic idea. I woke up this morning & couldn't even use the damn finger. (The surviving bread turned out beautifully, by the way.)

Longer story short, I went to an immediate care clinic a couple of hours ago. No nerve or tendon damage, just a bad bleeding cut in an unfortunate place. The doctor taped it up, & now I have this lovely splint on my finger. Which still hurts, only now my finger is utterly pointless. I get to wear it for five fun-filled days! And I can't get it wet! AWESOME. Also, since I believe I was about 10 years old the last time I had a tetanus shot, I got one of those too. Which they tell me will start hurting tomorrow. Oh yeah.

On the other hand, karma did see fit to provide me with prescription narcotics as a result of my pain. Lose some, win some. I'm totally going to dope myself into oblivion tonight & watch Performance, which is summat like Ingmar Bergman's Persona on acid, if I recollect correctly. Starring Mick Jagger. The film was completed in 1968, but the producing studio, Warner Brothers, expected the Rolling Stones version of A Hard Day's Night (which, erm, Performance is decidedly not) & were so pissed off that they didn't release it until 1970. I believe they also attempted to sue the film's makers, Nicolas Roeg & Donald Cammell. The poster's tagline: "This film is about madness. And sanity. Fantasy. And reality. Death. And life. Vice. And Versa." Indeed.

31 July 2007

Prime Time of Your Life, Indeed

Daft Punk. ROCKS. Oh my god. So totally amazing. Obviously, the English language cannot do justice to the awesomeness of this show. I will explain the state I was in upon my arrival, so that you might understand the obstacles this show had to overcome to reach the pantheon of best shows ever:

1) I had slept about 12 hours total during the four days prior to the show. The weekend had been spent in delightful debauchery of the sort that usually demands you sleep the moment you return home.

2) I woke up in Pennsylvania at 5:30 a.m. EST (2:30 a.m. PST) on Sunday. I caught a flight at Newark at 9:00 a.m. Which sat on the tarmac for 90 minutes before take-off.
3) The plane landed at 12:30 p.m. PST. Taking the MAX & the bus b
ack, I didn't arrive home until 2 p.m.
4) Departed Portland for Seattle at 3 p.m in my car. Due to traffic, did not arrive until 7:30. The show started at 8.
5) Briefly hung out. Went to show. Got back to my friends' place at 12:30 a.m. Considered going to the after-party, but nobody had the energy.


After traveling for over 15 hours, I think it safe to say that my exp
ectations were quite high. EXPECTATIONS EXCEEDED, people.

But we missed the Rapture! Because we didn't get there until 9:45. Which was sad. But not unbearably so, as I've seen them already. Besides which, oh my word, the LIGHTS, people, the LIGHTS. It was utterly fantastic & so very beautiful. I mean, look at this:


Or this or this or this:



I really liked the way they played...they didn't just do "songs". Everything was kind of mixed up & jumbled into each other & they would do bits of songs more than once, so you would hear things like three times. I think my personal favorite was "Around the World" mashed up with "Harder Better Faster Stronger". The lights did these awesome rainbow things during that part too, which was amazing. I REALLY REALLY hope they put this tour on DVD a la Underworld's Everything Everything; it fucking RULED. I can't explain it very well but in tandem with the pics this should give a decent idea, so here goes: in the back of the stage, there was this big light screen that did dots of light. They would make words with it, or have moving little lights & stuff. Then, on either side of the stage, there were these kind of cage-like structures & they were like light rods or something & the lights would pulse or flash or move along on the lines. In the middle of the stage there was a pyramid that also flashed lights or showed images...Daft Punk stood in the middle of the pyramid in their robot suits. There was a pyramid outline behind that which also flashed & did crazy light stuff. Then there were the spotlights, of course. It was so insane that several times I just stopped dancing & stared at the lights, mesmerized.

And for the encore...oh my word, the robot suits lit up Tron-style! And they did "One More Time", well, one more time & the back screen & the pyramid did circles of orange lights. These pictures don't do it justice, but you get the idea:



It was so ridiculously incredible. I feel massively fortunate that I was able to witness this. I mean, they only did five shows in the States. I kinda understand why - it must be a massive ordeal to install all that stuff. Whoo hoo!

23 July 2007

LOL

Hahahahahahaha. Vote for America's Most Annoying Liberal Arts College. Hampshire represent!

Full confession...I attended one, applied to another (Evergreen), visited a third (Reed) & considered applying to three others (Bennington, Eugene Lang & Oberlin). I received unsolicited literature from all those previously mentioned, plus Bard, Sarah Lawrence & Vassar, back when I was a precocious young'un with good SAT scores.

I would think that qualifies me as a candidate for America's Most Annoying Liberal Arts Student. Except, um, I was not, am not, & will probably never be rich, which seems to be a decisive factor.

Looks like Sarah Lawrence is currently in the lead with 15.5%. Although Hampshire's coming in with a not-too-shabby 7.1%.

Testing, Testing

I must admit, I'm both excited & terrified to paint my loft. It's just so damn big. And I've already concluded that a breach of the ladder code ("do not stand on the very top step") will be required to enable me to reach the upper limits of the loft, er, walls (it's got a tiny patch of ceiling).

Anyway, I'd previously bought testers of the reds I was considering
using:


Obviously, it's Ralph Lauren. But this time both shades are from the Thoroughbred (hee hee!) line. On the left, Balmoral Red. On the right, Hunting Coat Red. The problem I had was, the Balmoral was too dark but the Hunting Coat was too bright. I needed something inbetween.

And here's what I came up with:


Malaya Red, again from the Thoroughbred line. Capri Pink from Vintage Masters (this will be used sparingly - it's going on the straight wall you see here, & I also think I'll paint the built-in furniture that color, & a couple other little accent-y things. Unfortunately, I've fallen madly in love with the color & am determined to use it). Golden Candlesticks from Regent Metallics for the trim. I just bought a quart of each, to make sure I liked it before committing. I rather think I do.

Boob Dress Rules!

Well, I guess I know what to wear whenever I want some attention. I left my apartment for approximately a grand total of 30 minutes yesterday to go to Zupan's, & got hit on no fewer than three times. My personal favorite was the older black gentleman who said "If I was 35 years younger..." (I love getting compliments from older black men. They're always so polite but lascivious at the same time. It's fun.) The dress is a bit too big for me, though, so I find constant vigilance is required in ensuring the bottom portion of my bra doesn't peek out. I have to say, sometimes the attention is nice. I even got followed by some guy in a truck who asked if I needed some help with my beer. I declined. He wasn't bad-looking, but the last time I let some guy in a car pick me up, he turned out to be far more relationship-inclined than I.

Whatever. I like my boobs.


Although I have to admit, this dress does make the clothing I previously thought boob-rific look, well, positively modest.

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows

Is an immensely satisfying conclusion to the series.

I am pleased.

18 July 2007

Not Comfortable


So cute though! But the flip-floposity factor & the heel factor do not combine to make a happy foot. It's surprisingly difficult to walk in these. I almost feel like I'm moving through water, only if I were in water they way they cut wouldn't hurt so much. Although I am beginning to suspect I have mutant feet. Having never known many women who wear heels & strappy sandals & the like on a frequent basis, I just always assumed that every woman who regularly dons cute-but-uncomfortable shoes will have small scars on certain parts their feet. But one of my friends, whom I know to wear the same type of footwear as I (no, really - when I first moved back & visited her, we realized we were wearing the exact same pair of boots), does not have the scars that I have.

The moral of the story is: flip-flop uppers with small pointy heels are adorable, particularly when they are lime green, on clearance & complementary to both your boob dress & your new nail polish(Speedy Hot Tamale, heh), but sadly they are not comfortable. However, I am sure they will look lovely amongst the other painful shoes in my new shoe cubby. (The trick, of course, is to vary your shoe choices daily so that you're always wearing a pair that hurt differently than the previous pair.)

The second moral of the story is: perhaps it is unwise to take shoe advice from someone with mutant, scarred feet.

When It Comes to Closets, There's No Such Thing as Garish


While waiting to be able to afford to tackle the loft (which looks to be a royal painting pain), I figured I'd redo the closets, one in the foyer & one in the living room. Although I once figured I'd leave them be (they're closets, for heaven's sake), all those big huge holes were really starting to get to me. And once the holes were fixed, naturally they'd need to be painted over; & I'm allergic to nearly all white paint.

I wanted bright, bright, bright for these; I'd like to think I succeeded. I'm so glad I got to use hot pink somewhere - while I don't think I could handle a whole room in this color, it's a really nice way to brighten up the insides of a dull place. Plus, oddly enough, the color actually makes the closets look bigger. I guess the color gives it more dimension? Dunno.


Ralph Lauren, of course (I'm so his bitch). Island Brights (hot pink is far too tacky for the Vintage Masters, dontcha know). Aruba Pink. Flat finish. The trim in the living room closet was so riddled with holes that I decided to spackle & paint over it, using that endless gallon of Regent Metallics in Iron Gate.

12 July 2007

2 + 2 = 4

Have you ever spent a really, really long time trying to figure something out, but no matter what "numbers" you punched in, the results never quite added up...

And then, finally, the stars aligned & for the very first time, two plus two actually equaled four; but somehow when you got the right number, it was kind of the most horrible number you'd ever seen, definitely way worse than all those wrong-ish numbers...

But then you were surprised to find that more than anything you were just so damn happy & felt so stupid lucky to have an answer that made sense, & the fact that it was the worst answer really didn't bother you very much, certainly not as much as you would have expected...

And it didn't even truly matter if it was "the" right answer, or only one of several right answers, or maybe even only vaguely a little bit true, because the answer was like that piece in the puzzle - not the last piece, of course, but one of those tricky middle ones that you run into after you put the outer pieces together, & you're just relieved to have found a place for it to fit at all, because if nothing else it means that you can go on to the next piece...

?

10 July 2007

Hot Damn!

It is 101 degrees here right now. No foolin'. Even though there's no humidity, that's HOT HOT HOT. 'Sokay, though. At some point today I realized my new dress is so revealing that it renders me less "Captain Cleavage" & more "King Jugs". But really, what's the fun of having big tits if one doesn't wantonly display them? Plus, they're well-ventilated to handle the heat!

(Although I recently found out I know someone who's at the "K" level of bra size, which is eight cups past me & makes me feel practically flat-chested.)

02 July 2007

New Record Room!


I had planned to paint this room, which is sort of part of my upstairs loft but really its own little room, a sort of sky blue & then sponge clouds on the ceilings & slanty top parts of the walls, & had long ago determined that the Ralph Lauren Vintage Master color Spanish Bluebell was precisely what I wanted. And it was absolutely lovely, once I got it on the walls. But somehow...clouds just didn't seem right, what with the visible horizontal planks. Also, I had the sudden urge to use a nice brown with the blue, as brown & blue is one of my very favorite color combos. Then, like a lightning bolt, it struck me: STRIPES! And here you see the results:


It's a shame I can't photograph the room in its entirety (it's full of odd angles & such & is comprised of no fewer than eight walls), because it's simply marvelous. I haven't felt this immediately right about paint since I did my living room. So: the details - Ralph Lauren. Vintage Masters. Spanish Bluebell & Chocolate Souffle. The trim is Ralph Lauren Regent Metallics in Iron Gate. Naturally, I've still got the floor to paint. I'm planning to do it in the same brown sometime this week. Apparently they've got this thing they call "floor paint" which I'll need to use.

After that I plan to attend to the matter of getting shelving. So I can actually get my records, CDs, DVDs & books out of the boxes in which they've been living lo! these many months, & into my newly fabulous record room.

27 June 2007

Haiku

Raw green beans are good.
Is there anything better?
Perhaps raw pea pods.

Also:

I don't always trust
Wikipedia. Why not?
Well, here's a reason:

"Today haiku is written in many languages, but the number of writers is still concentrated primarily in Japan and secondarily in English-speaking countries, like germany and brazil."


20 June 2007

New Bathrooms!

My bathrooms. There's only one toilet. There's only one bathtub. They're just in different rooms. I refer to them as the WC & the bathroom.

Anyway, I realized it'd been a couple months since I painted anything. Long enough for the stinging tediousness to have faded to a dull sheen. So I decided to finish up the downstairs & paint the bathrooms. I'd chosen the colors a long time ago; it was mostly a matter of having the extra money to spend on it. (How I can make a decent income, with only myself on which to spend it, & still be constantly broke, is one of my life's mysteries.) Anyway. On to the story!

Here is the bathroom before:


Now, I love blue. In fact, I intend to paint my record room a lovely sky
blue & then sponge clouds on it (shut up. It will be classy). But this...this is grotesque. The worst part is, it's actually TWO nasty shades of blue. To wit:


Et voila!:


It definitely photographs very, very oddly. If I don't use a flash, it's too orange. If I use the flash, it's too pink. Slow synchro seems to work the best, but it's a little too bright. Heh. The funny part is, I actually really like this, but at night, it seems as bright as the first picture. With daylight, it calms down a bit, like the below picture. Both were, for the record, taken at around the same time.

It's definitely somewhat disconcerting to stand in the living room & look at the kitchen & the WC simultaneously. The kitchen is done in such cool colors, & these are so hot, but with the Olive Tree of the living room in between them, it works. For the record, I used Ralph Lauren Vintage Masters in Gertrude, Pink Sunset & Olive Tree with a satin finish (yuck. I HATE shiny finishes, but the paint guys told me you have to use 'em in bathrooms). There were two nice things about this round of painting: one, painting bathrooms is not nearly so inconvenient to the flow of daily life as painting the living room & the kitchen were; & two, at this point I've painted enough that I can chill out about it & not get super-stressed.

But the bestest part of all? I finally got to put Tom where he belongs:


In the WC, facing the toilet. Aaahhh...a little something is right with the world once more.

18 June 2007

"I Wanted To Make People Happy, If Only For An Hour"





Busby Berkeley is GOD. End of sentence. Period. Oh my word. I always knew the most perfectest time to explore the realm of Busby Berkeley would come upon me one day. AND IT DID. I can't believe it took me this long.

I rented Gold Diggers of 1933. Every moment of "The Shadow Waltz" segment made me gasp. The moment the glowing violins came into play, I knew I was in love. I watched it five times in a row (um, the segment, not the whole movie). Then I immediately bought the boxed set. Recently released by Warner Brothers (who, for the record, seem to have the best collection of classic movies), it packages together 42nd Street, the aforementioned Gold Diggers plus Gold Diggers of 1935, Dames, Footlight Parade & a bonus disc with a number of standalone numbers of Berkeley's from other films.

I am creaming my shorts. Seriously, Berkeley's musical sequences are perfect, dazzling cinema. If ever anybody asked for an example of the joyous heights to which film can not only aspire but in fact reach, I would show them the "By a Waterfall" sequence from Footlight Parade. I'm not sure I've ever experienced anything so intensely, purely visceral as Berkeley's numbers within the realm of narrative cinema. There aren't enough superlatives in the English language to do justice to the magnificence. The surrounding "plots", which were helmed by other directors such as Mervyn LeRoy, are generally so much piffle, but they're fun piffle, anyway. My one complaint is that Dick Powell is a chipmunk-cheeked ass.

And also, Fred Astaire can suck it. I recently also watched Top Hat. One of the extras was a short documentary in which Astaire's disdain for the camera acrobatics of Berkeley is revealed, & he is "credited" (I would say "blamed") for the movie musical's return to the still camera, head-to-toe two-shot formula. "Either the camera dances or I do" he is reputed to have said.

Personally, I think I'll keep dancing with Busby. I am SO EXCITED to watch the other four discs.

12 June 2007

FREEDOM!

Desecrating the main memorial to Wallace with a
load of crap: Mel Gibson as William Wallace

Braveheart is without a doubt the absolute worst Best Picture Academy Award winner I've ever seen. Which means it beats Shakespeare in Love. It beats Titantic. Granted, I don't waste a terrible lot of my time trying to keep up with the Oscars' ideas of "best" pictures, & I know somebody who insists that David Lean's Bridge Over the River Kwai is worse.

As far as Oscars go, I think all you really have to do to explain the Academy Awards is look at the original recipients (yes, that's right: there were TWO Best Pictures in 1927): Wings, which won because it had loads of special effects & was a box office smash, & Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans, which is possibly the best film F.W. Murnau ever made (& yes, I saw Nosferatu: A
Symphony of Terror
) & is certainly nothing short
of a masterpiece. The respective labels bestowed by the Academy were "Outstanding Picture" & "Unique & Artistic Picture". (Apparently following the first year of the awards it was decided that having these two categories was redundant, to which I say HA!) But when a contestant buzzes in on Jeopardy! to question the answer "In 1927, this film won the first Best Picture Oscar", I'd bet ya twenty bucks they come up with "What is Wings?" (And actually, I myself didn't discover that Sunrise was so awarded until several years after my initial viewing of the picture.) ANYWAY, & YES, there IS a point, the Academy Awards long ago chose the path of consensus over true merit. Occasionally, the two collide (the most recent example would be The Return of the King); but rarely.

Still, it's quite an accomplishment to be the worst. And Braveheart is so resolutely terrible that I rather enjoyed it, not unlike Conan the Barbarian. Mel Gibson's cry of "FREEEEDDDDOOOMM!!!!" whilst splayed out in the classic Christ crucifixation pose moments before being beheaded AFTER being tortured, is friggin' hysterical. And the whole love scene with the princess is CLASSICALLY gratuitous & nonsensical.

But ALL I could think about, during nearly the entirety of the movie, was: how did these people cop squats? Like, if they were marching toward battle in a big field & there weren't any trees or large rocks, well, they'd just have to break out & do it, right? Were they so accustomed to that sort of thing that they didn't even bother with trees, even when they were there to be had? Were there outhouses in 1280 AD? Or did they have shit trenches? Did they wipe with leaves, or with their hands? Or did they have cloths like in "Frontier House"?

And what if they had to take a shit in the midst of a battle? I'd imagine you couldn't exactly say "Pardon me, I need to run over to the side here to relieve my bowels". So did they shit themselves or what? IS THIS WHY THE SCOTS WORE KILTS?

I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but I generally have at least one thought of this kind any time I watch something that takes place in the time prior to indoor plumbing. See, I *heart* indoor plumbing. I'm a fan. I cannot conceive of living in a time without flushing toilets & daily hot showers. Therefore, I tend to be obsessed with the thought of not having it.

08 June 2007

Dear East Coast,

Here is reason #342 why I DON'T MISS being enfolded in your hot, fetid, sweaty, bug-filled, moist bosoms:


Not at all. Not in the least. Ew. I'd imagine there are some fever-worthy temperatures accompanying that rash. DOUBLE EW.

05 June 2007

First, Last & Only

Far be it from me to make such bold proclamations, but I've never before commented on Oprah's Book Club & I hardly think it possible that I should be moved to comment again after this.

And actually, I don't think I know anybody who laps up Oprah-tastic reading selections like so much spoiled milk, but just in case I'd like to proffer
a friendly warning with regard to her latest suggested title:

Middlesex sucks. So much so that I very nearly stopped reading it at the turn of every page; of course, given my sometimes masochistic bent toward finishing every book or movie I start, regardless of how wretched (Martin Scorsese's
The Age of Innocence comes to mind as an early & enduring example), I did in fact read the entire horrid thing. In my defense, I thoroughly adored Jeffrey Eugenides' first novel, The Virgin Suicides (& was equally miffed when Sofia Coppola made her film adaptation, given my secret yearning to make one myself); so naturally I presumed that Middlesex would overcome its initial crappy trappings. Alas! 'Twas not to be.

In conclusion, do yourself a favor should you see this b
ook, copies of which will undoubtedly forevermore be stamped with the "O" seal of approval: run. Run fast. Run far. Just run. Though to be sure Mr. Eugenides accrued accolades aplenty for this work, enough to cement my opinion into that of a dissenting minority of readers. And I'm certain that Oprah's endorsement will do much more for sales than that silly old Pulitzer Prize he won.

I will still buy his next book as soon as it comes out.
After all, he is clearly a Serious Writer:

04 June 2007

Visions of Christmas Lights Passed Before Me

Apparently this year marks the 100th anniversay of Portland's Rose Festival. I've never attended any of the festivities; Scio's Lamb & Wool Fair was good enough for us. This year, though, figuring as the downtown PDX activities are about three miles walking distance each way, I thought I'd do well to at least check it out.

Saturday night was the Starlight Parade. Although visions of luminescent glowing floats loomed large in my mind, the quickly realized reality was that it was a fairly hokey parade featuring loads of Christmas lights strung on cars & marching bands with glowing spots on their hats. An instance where I would have done well to nurse the fantasy & neglect the reality. C'est la vie. See here for a few pictures. (What I wouldn't give to have a digital camera that takes decent nighttime shots without a tripod!) It might ha
ve helped my experience had I not chosen to stand on Morrison Street angling toward Fourth Avenue, which seemed like a perfectly lovely way to both see the parade & not be crushed amongst the madding crowd; until the parade started & I realized that indeed, the Max was going to continue to run (& frequently stop in front of me) throughout the duration of the parade. Awesome.

Eventually, I was overcome by squalling brats & a harrassing homeless man who touched my ass. Twice. Suspecting this was a ploy on his part to get me to turn around so he could demand a donation for a cheap plastic American flag , I was steadfast in my refusal to acknowledge him & eventually he went away. The nasty children, however, did not & ultimately along with the lack of glowing awesomeness led to my early departure.

I've heard that the Grand Floral Parade which happens this coming weekend is the big one, the one to go to; but honestly I'm not big on either parades or crowds in the first place, & it was only the promise of shiny lights that whetted my interest in the Starlight Parade. I would, however, like to see the Dragon Boat Races, having already been unknowingly privy to the Dragon Boat Practices.

Also, & this is only because it occurred to me as I sojourned toward the parade, for the record, I am so happy to live in a city this friggin' gorgeous. Clean. Green. Laid-back. Friendly. And flat. Yes, flat is a strong virtue, at least when one abhors city driving (& more precisely, city parking) & adores taking long urban walks. So maybe it rains a little during the winter. But, man, if what you get for that is a nice sunny summer with NO HUMIDITY & NO HORRID THUNDERSTORMS (it's nearly enough to make me bemoan the years I wasted in the weather-hell of the Northeast/Southeast U.S.) & loads of lovely greenness & so many beautiful flowers, well, I will take the winter rain, thank you.