True Story

Last night I was laboriously washing & drying the twenty four 8-ounce Rubbermaid containers I had just purchased for storing cat food.

(Aside: I started making raw cat food for Audun in 2000, when he was but a wee adorable kitten, using a recipe that a friend gave me. Fast forward to 2004 - I told my vet in Virginia that Audun ate a raw food diet. She freaked out, 'cause she said that there wasn't any taurine in a raw food diet, & not having taurine leads to kitty heart problems. Then, she listened to Audun's heart & said he had a heart murmur. Now, my cat = my child. There is nothing I wouldn't do for Audun (or Xavier). So I freaked out, I cried, & then I got rational. I realized that he exhibited every sign of being perfectly healthy & that maybe, just maybe, my vet had heard that for which she was looking. Nonetheless, I immediately started feeding Audun super-processed cat food, like Iams.

(Last year, when I took Audun to his new vet for an annual check up, I explained the situation. My new vet (whom I thoroughly recommend, FYI), funnily enough, did not hear a heart murmur.

(Fast forward again to this year & my absolute horror at discovering what, exactly, it's okay to put in processed pet food. Like sick livestock that you can't use for people food. Grains which are unfit for human consumption. Bones. Intestines. Possibly even other cats & dogs that have been put to sleep because of illness. Ew. Okay, I stop now. But for illustrative purposes, these are the contents of one type of Hills Science Diet canned food, which is what I was feeding them before the hippie freak thing happened (bear with me - I've turned into a label-reading whore):

Water, Chicken, Turkey Giblets, Meat By-Products, Liver, Powdered Cellulose, Corn Starch, Wheat Flour, Chicken Fat (preserved with mixed tocopherols and citric acid), Soybean Meal, Corn Gluten Meal, Chicken Liver Flavor, Titanium Dioxide, Guar Gum, Soybean Oil, Brewers Dried Yeast, Iodized Salt, Choline Chloride, Locust Bean Gum, Potassium Chloride, Calcium Carbonate, Carrageenan, Calcium Sulfate, Dicalcium Phosphate, Taurine, DL-Methionine, Vitamin E Supplement, Thiamine Mononitrate, Ascorbic Acid (source of vitamin C), Zinc Oxide, Ferrous Sulfate, Beta-Carotene, Niacin, Manganous Oxide, Copper Sulfate, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride, Calcium Pantothenate, Vitamin B12 Supplement, Riboflavin, Biotin, Vitamin D3 Supplement, Calcium Iodate, Folic Acid, Sodium Selenite.

(Now, I don't know a whole lot about nutrition. But I do know that "meat by-products" includes bones, feathers, even feces - basically anything that comes from an animal. And I do mean anything. And "cellulose"? According to Wikipedia, cellulose "is the major constituent of paper and cardboard and of textiles made from cotton, linen and other plant fibers." Mmm, tasty. Also, WTF is chicken liver "flavor"? If I had the time & the stomach for it, I could probably come up with all sorts of gross things to say about this food. The point is, I decided that I didn't want to feed my cats that stuff. And here are the ingredients for what I did start buying, Organix Organic Canned Formula for Cats:

Organic Turkey, Chicken Broth, Organic Brown Rice, Organic Chicken, Organic Chicken Liver, Organic Guar Gum, Organic Rice Protein Concentrate, Tricalcium Phosphate, Sea Salt, Calcium Sulfate, Organic Flaxseed Meal, Potassium Chloride, Choline Chloride, Vitamins (Vitamin E, A, D3, B12 Supplements, Thiamine Mononitrate, Niacin, d-Calcium Pantothenate, Pyroxidine Hydrochloride, Riboflavin Supplement, Folic Acid, Biotin), Minerals (Ferrous Sulfate, Zinc Oxide, Copper Proteinate, Manganous Sulfate, Potassium Iodide, Sodium Selenite), Taurine.

(Much better, clearly, & props for using sea salt, but since I'm loathe to buy seafood nowadays, there are only two varieties I can feed my kitties. Kinda boring. Also, at $1.50 per can, I figured that I could just freakin' make cat food & have it cost about the same.

(So I got Dr. Pitcairn's Complete Guide to Natural Health for Dogs & Cats. Which I highly recommend, if for nothing else than the information on nutrition. Turns out that if your cat eats raw meat, they get taurine from that. Makes sense, right? The buggers had to survive centuries without processed pet food somehow. And this is what my kitties are eating now, the "Feline Feast" recipe:

Pacific Village Ground Chicken, Pacific Village Ground Beef, Organic Polenta, Organic Eggs, Healthy Powder (Nutritional Yeast, Lecithin Granules, Bonemeal, Kelp Powder), Wheatgerm Oil, Vegetable Oil, Eggshell Powder.

(The chicken is vegetarian-fed, antibiotic-free, & free-range. The beef is hormone- & antibiotic-free, grass-fed & local. All of the supplements are sold for human consumption. The only thing I couldn't find was a liquid vitamin A supplement to add - I'm working on it. Apparently cod liver oil does the trick, but I don't want to spend $15 on something that, per Dr. Pitcairn, my cats "might" accept. So, last night I made them "Mackerel Loaf" as their next recipe to compensate:

Mackerel, Organic Pasteurized Milk, Organic Bulgur, Organic Eggs, Healthy Powder (Nutritional Yeast, Lecithin Granules, Bonemeal, Kelp Powder), Wheatgerm Oil, Vegetable Oil, Eggshell Powder.

(Okay, yeah, I did feel guilty about using the mackerel. Seafood from a can. Although it is safer than tuna, because it's not such a predator & thus is less likely to accumulate mercury. But it was gross & I don't think I'll use it again. But still, way better than "meat by-products", y'know?

(Longest parenthetical aside EVER!)

So in case you forgot where we were:

Last night I was laboriously washing & drying the twenty four 8-ounce Rubbermaid containers I had just purchased for storing cat food.

As I was so doing, on top of all the other ramifications & implications of the homemade pet food thing, I actually had this thought:

"You know, by using these [washable, reusable] containers, I'll also be reducing my ecological footprint."

No, seriously. That was my exact thought. And it is but the latest in a long change-chain, every new link more surprising & cringe-worthy than the last. What is HAPPENING to me?

I think I've been infected by Portland.

America! Fuck Yeah!

Whoa. Would you be surprised if I told you that one 32 ounce Baskin-Robbins Heath shake contains 320% of the recommended daily amount of saturated fat? Based on a 2,000 calorie diet. The shake, for the record, has 2,310 calories. At least you get 120% of your daily calcium! For shits & giggles, I've put the sugars in bold, since my newest nutrition enemy is sugar (except in fruit. I heart fruit & will never ever stop eating it. And, um, in my coffee. But! I've decided sugar is better than the aspartame I used to use. And, also? I've reduced my coffee consumption to less than five cups per week. Not great, but a vast improvement).

Ingredients: reduced fat milk, heath bar crunch ice cream (cream, nonfat milk, caramel ribbon (corn syrup, sweetened condensed whole milk (milk, sugar), water, high fructose corn syrup, butter (cream, salt), propylene glycol, sodium alginate, salt, natural and artificial vanilla flavors, potassium sorbate (preservative), soy lecithin, annatto color, sodium bicarbonate, propyl paraben (preservative)) , heath® bar candy pieces [milk chocolate (sugar, cocoa butter, chocolate, nonfat milk, milk fat, lactose, soy lecithin (an emulsifier), salt, and vanillin (an artificial flavoring)), sugar, palm oil, dairy butter (milk), almonds, salt, artificial flavoring, and soy lecithin], sugar, corn syrup, toffee base (sweetened condensed whole milk, high fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, water, natural flavor, disodium phosphate, and salt), whey powder, cellulose gum, mono and diglycerides, guar gum, carrageenan, polysorbate 80), fudge topping (corn syrup, sugar, water, hydrogenated coconut oil, nonfat milk, cocoa (treated with alkali), modified corn starch, salt, sodium bicarbonate, disodium phosphate, potassium sorbate (a preservative), natural and artificial flavors, soy lecithin), jamoca ice cream (cream, nonfat milk, sugar, corn syrup, jamoca extract (coffee extract, sugar, potassium sorbate and methyl paraben (as preservatives)) whey, caramel color, cellulose gum, mono and diglycerides, carrageenan, polysorbate 80, carob bean gum, guar gum), caramel praline topping (corn syrup, sweetened condensed whole mil, water, sugar, modified food starch, butter, salt, propylene glycol, natural and artificial flavor, sodium citrate, xanthan gum, lecithin, potassium sorbate and propyl paraben as preservatives), hershey’s® heath® milk chocolate english toffee (milk chocolate (sugar, cocoa butter, chocolate, nonfat milk, milk fat, lactose, soy lecithin [an emulsifier], salt, and vanillin [an artificial flavoring]), sugar, palm oil, dairy butter (milk), almonds, salt, artificial flavoring, and soy lecithin), whipped cream (whipped cream (cream, milk, sugar, dextrose, nonfat dry milk, artificial flavor, mono & diglycerides, carrageenan, mixed tocopherols (vitamin e), to protect flavor, propellant: nitrous oxide).

For those of you playing along at home, sugar pops up in twenty-four different places. I cannot even begin to approach the other things wrong with this list. Check out that link if you want the rest of the scary "nutrition" facts.

Happy Almost June!

So. I got a part-time job at a video store. It's all part of my evil plan for WORLD DOMINATION. Well. Actually, my evil plan is way less stressful than that & totally hedonistic. The point is, at my part-time video store job, the employees choose "staff picks" every month. I obviously have exquisite taste, so what could be better than being obligated to show off the knowledge gleaned during those years I did nothing but watch movies all day, every day? I get to be silently pretentious. I know. Whoo hoo!

I went for a non-Babette's Feast food(-related) theme for June & chose the following:

The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie, Luis Bunel, 1972 A bunch of boring Frenchies & the ambassador (diplomat?) from a fake South American country spend the whole movie trying, & failing, to sit down & eat. Clever, if you like Bunuel - & I do, very much. (I personally prefer The Exterminating Angel, where a bunch of people sit down to eat & then can't leave, but - horror! - it's not yet had a proper DVD release. Boo.)

The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover - Peter Greenaway, 1989
I gather this is considered summat of a commentary on Thatcherism. I don't know about that, but this is a wickedly excellent, madly disturbing film. Which like as not I will never watch again. I would like to take this opportunity to berate Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix for forcing me to break my solemn vow to never, ever, under no circumstance EVER watch Michael Gambon eat again. Also: Helen Mirren 4ever!

How Tasty Was My Little Frenchman - Nelson Pereira dos Santos, 1973
C'mon. Best movie title in the history of the world. Also, political film? Not so much. I'd shove a broomstick up Godard's ass before I'd ever endure Tout Va Bien again. But somehow, I'm mad for Brazil's Cinema Novo. It manages to be deliriously dreamy & earthy &, heavens forbid, entertaining within its politics. Et tu, Brecht?




Conspirators of Pleasure, Jan Svankmajer, 1996
Hahahahaha. Like the others, it's actually not really about food, although I wouldn't tell that to the postmistress. It's about sexual fetishists in Prague. A pornographic film with no naked bits. And, I daresay, tremendously funny to boot.



The Gold Rush, Charles Chaplin, 1925
Well, really! I'd have been remiss to exclude it. Jolly well brilliant, it is. Besides...Gold Rush relates to Conspirators relates to The Cook, the Thief relates to Frenchman relates to Discreet Charm relates to Gold Rush. I just can't make it a circle for you unless you've seen all five.

What, you thought there wasn't some grand master idea behind all this? I inject all sorts of narrative into my fucking mix CDs, fer chrissakes.

OMG OMG OMG

Holy cow. I think I just hit the motherfucking April jackpot here.

Item 1: Film verson of the musical set to ABBA songs, Mamma Mia, is opening this summer. Did we not just establish that I love ABBA? You may also have noticed that I love musicals. Dare I say it? This could be better than Hairspray.

Item 2: One of my biggest man crushes, Stellan Skarsgard, is in it. I've followed him ever since Breaking the Waves. (I know, I know, kind of a weird character to inspire a sustained crush. Shut up. We've already established that I'm kind of twisted. Besides! In real life, he's apparently dating a buxom 32-year-old. I've got the first one covered like nobody's business; I'm thisclose to 30; and I have better fashion sense than that girl. It could totally happen for me.)

Item 3: Another man crush, Colin Firth, is also in it. He was Darcy, he is Darcy, & he will be Darcy forevermore. Even when he played Amanda Bynes' secret daddy in What a Girl Wants he was Darcy. (And shut up about that one too. Yes. I watched it. The whole thing. Amanda Bynes is fucking adorable & looks thoroughly corruptible.) Although his Darcy-ish Vermeer in Girl with a Pearl Earring was enjoyable. And shhh, I have a secret soft spot for Bridget Jones' Diary & Firth's Darcy-ish Darcy.

Item 4: A third could-be man crush is in it too! His name is Dominic Cooper. I don't know anything about him, but Interview magazine did a story on him a while ago & he looked cute in his picture. Plus, British! Can't go wrong. I have to reserve judgment however until I actually see him move & hear him talk.

Item 5: Amanda Seyfried is in it. Although I do not have a girl crush on her, I do think she's awfully talented (ref: Mean Girls, "Big Love") & pretty.

18 July 2008, people. I. Can't. Wait. It's gonna be fucking epic fun.

Hurraher! & Hurrahest!

Sorry. Life is good.

1) ABBA's Voulez-Vous is the perfect 73 degree Friday morning drive to work soundtrack. A-HA! I freakin' love ABBA. So very much. Their Swedish pop genius is a joy to behold. Behear? Eh. Why is there no sincere optimism in pop music anymore? Am I missing something? Tell me. Is there a contemporary equivalent to the sincere refrain of "I believe in angels/Something good in everything I see"?

2) I'm wearing sandals for the first time this year - & they're my lovely gold sparkly cork wedge sandals, to boot. Er, no pun intended.

(Lengthy parenthetical aside revealing my etymological dorkiness & alarming passion for punctuation:

("The boot in [the phrase 'to boot'] is pretty much the only surviving sense of a once prominent word. Some archaic or obsolete senses are 'advantage; profit; use' ('O spare they happy daies, and them apply/To better boot'--Spenser, Faerie Queen); 'something given in a sale or exchange to equalize the value of the exchange' (now only used in dialect, in America found chiefly in the south); and 'deliverance from evil or danger' (often in the phrase boot of bale 'relief from woe').

("The phrase ['to boot'] uses [the word 'boot'], in a sense like 'to the good; to advantage', and hence 'in addition; besides; moreover'. This particular boot is from Old English, and is related to better."

(The above explanation can be found in full, & with fewer parentheses/brackets, here.)

3) On Wednesday I made a decision which makes me molto contenta. I ain't tellin'. The action won't happen until 2011 anyway. Let's just say that I hope in three years the dollar/euro exchange rate is a bit more in my favor.

4) Said decision involved the more immediate decision to look for a part-time job. That same day, I found a listing for a part-time video store job, 12 - 14 hours a week, in NW Portland. I dropped my resume off that night, interviewed yesterday, & start working on Saturday. Yeah, I rock. Y'know, my favorite job ever was at a video store. This new one has the benefit of not being in rural Oregon, which gives me relative confidence that the following exchange is highly unlikely to occur:

Customer returning The Talented Mr. Ripley, which I had recommended to him the night before: I didn't like this movie.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry.
Him: It was about faggots.
Me: Well, yes, I suppose that's true.
Him: That's sick.
Me: Some people think so.
Him: You don't?
Me: No, I don't.
Him: Are you a dyke?

Yes indeedy. You can't make this stuff up, people. So...I'm going to get paid to talk about movies & clean & organize shelves stuffed with movies. It makes my movie-loving, compulsively clean & systematic self well-nigh giddy. Oh, yeah, plus I get free movies. I mean, I could probably get a better-paying part-time job. But the way I look at it, I already have one job for which I don't much care. If I'm gonna have a second job, I better damn well like it. And this is...perfect.

5) Also, this is entirely politically irresponsible of me, because I know absolutely nothing about his governorship, but goddamn. Whenever I remember that we live in a world where Arnold motherfuckin' Schwarzenegger is the GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA, things get just a little more...sparkly. I love it, I do, I confess. I don't think you could dream up something more deliciously absurd. Hee hee! Related: the commentary track for Conan the Barbarian is the single most fantastic commentary I've ever heard. Easily as good as the movie proper. (Governator: "She's so hot. I'm so hot in this scene" John Milius: "She's like a...Valkyrie." Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Surely they were both drunk. Schwarzenegger is a total chauvinist, which I inexplicably love.)

Hurrah!

These are some things that I particularly love today:

1) Peppermint tea

2) The Criterion transfer of Naked. It even looks good on my old TV set.

3) Dinosaur L (I said NO, thank yooouuuu....)

4) Mmmmmangoes!

5) Feelin' like a fourth grader. Yep, in my quest to prove that April Model 1978 is in fact completely obsolete, my newest fascination is book making. See, it occurred to me recently that at present I seem to be drawn toward the tactile. Rather than subvert these fascinations into something more ephemeral, I thought well why not just make things I can touch? I ain't a writer, & my drawing skillz are stuck in stick-figure land (tho' it be a mean stick figure indeed), but I see no reason whatsoever to let that stop me. I made a book last night! With velcro & wiggly eyes & o-rings & junk mail! (I successfully fought the urge to add glitter.) Here's a small detail of one page:


As usual, my grand plans exceed my technical capability by a wide margin. Sheesh. We'll see. You don't know how much I want to catch one of these flitting momentary obsessions & pin it down, already. How is it possible that the older I get, the less attention span I have?

6) Portland Maps. I often bemoan the fact that everybody in my neighborhood looks like me. What do I mean by this? While Buckman ain't quite an army of April clones, it is a 739-acre area with 7,923 people who:

• Are most likely between the ages of 22 & 39 (52%)
• Are whiter than an arctic glacier on a sunny day (81%)
• Have yet to breed &/or are not overly keen on cohabitation (52% one-person households)
• Got no strings to hold them down (84% are not home-owners)
• Stand a solid chance of being male (52%) or female (48%)
  

I am a 29-year-old child-free white girl who lives alone in a rented apartment. Thanks, Portland Maps, for proving me right!

7) Spring. Not this spring, this year, this here. But in general. And SUNSHINE. Glorious rich yellow sunshine that is both absorbed & reflected by the green of the trees & the grass.

8) Making the soundtrack for the wedding I will never have. See, it all started with Kid Creole's version of "If You Want to be Happy". If you don't know the song, click the link. You'll understand. The vision of playing this as the first song at my unwedding made me gigle giggle (no semiconductor, I) madly for endless minutes (the looks on people's faces would be freakin' priceless), so I thought, why stop there? This project is saving me from an increasingly bilious resentment toward other people's weddings; therefore, it makes me happy.

9) And actually, I kind of love everything. Probably in theory - I wouldn't test me with, say, a puddle of puppies or a basket of babies. But I am, how you say, a happy camper.