Fellow Citizens, You Confound Me

I knew the U.S. & I weren't gonna work out when I saw a Sunday newspaper ad for Uncrustables. Apparently throughout my life I have failed to comprehend the vast difficulty inherent in spending 5 minutes taking two slices of bread & smearing them with peanut butter & jelly, then, should it offend one's delicate sensibilities, cutting the crust off. Quelle horror! Right then & there I decided the U.S. & I had to break up. (I'm not even going to get into the complete lameness of taking issue with bread crust.)

But even worse. Smuckers was able to get a patent on this? They have sued other people who make foul frozen ravioli-like objects stuffed with pb&j? Oh wait, it looks like the patent is more generally for "a sealed crustless sandwich for providing a convenient sandwich without an outer crust which can be stored for long periods of time without a central filling from leaking outwardly." Um, which kind of sounds like things people have been making for centuries (i.e., bierocks & pasties). Does the U.S. hand out patents like so much Halloween candy or what? Although, to somebody's credit, "as of April 2006, the patent was reexamined and the claims were rejected. Smuckers has appealed the rejection to the Board of Patent Appeals and Interferences(BPAI). The BPAI has yet to render its judgement" (Wikipedia).

Like sandwiches are so frickin' hard to make. Maybe Uncrustables thaw magically in a matter of seconds (I wouldn't put it past you, America, to devise some nefarious means for this) but assuming they do obey some basic laws of nature, I'm thinking it's actually faster to make a sandwich than to wait for an Uncrustable to thaw. But then you might miss a minute of your TV show. And that's not what life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness are about, now, is it?

I want OUT.