Fuck You, Heidi Klum

One day you're in, the next day you're in the crapper.

On Saturday I awoke feeling pretty shitty & dizzy, & decided to spend the day at home knitting to crap DVDs. Unfortunately, I ran out of crap. Then while reading US Weekly (which, for the record, is deliciously nasty), I saw that the third season of "Project Runway" only cost $28. So I decided to run out to Barnes & Ignoble to purchase it.

It was possibly the worst decision of my entire life.

How can I put this? I totaled my car. My beautiful, sturdy, dependable Road Warrior. Which won't even be paid off until 2012. I was making a left hand turn off NE 21st onto Multnomah. It was my duty to yield. Obviously, I didn't see any cars coming. But clearly I was wrong. One second I was starting my turn, the next my airbags were deployed & my windshield was smashed. I could hardly even open the driver's side door to get out.

I'll try to be succinct: I'm fine. To the best of my knowledge, the other driver is fine. The cars, on the other hand, are not. My Corolla is easily eight inches less in length than it used to be. The other car actually didn't look quite as wretched as mine. Thank God it was pretty much head-on; I didn't drive into the side of the other vehicle.

First I was shocked. Then I started crying. Mostly because there were all these people around - police, medical technicians, firemen - but nobody was talking to me! I started to feel like everybody hated me - stupid, to be sure, but clearly I was in a horrid frame of mind. They told me I could leave, so I started walking back toward home & called a friend to pick me up. She had to put her animals away (another long story!), & by the time she called me back I was walking past Everyday Music on Sandy, so I told her to pick me up there. I wanted some goddamn DVDs.

And some goddamn DVDs I got. I'd like to think I am the only person in the history of the world who has purchased these DVDs at the same time: Dirty Dancing (the 2-disc ULTIMATE edition, baby!), 13 Going On 30 (shut up - Jennifer Garner is human sparkles in this movie), & Kieslowski's The Decalogue. Because I've never made it more than 3 episodes either time I've tried to watch it, even though it's flat-out amazing, so I decided that if I owned it, eventually one day I would watch them all. My friend bought Happy Gilmore - I told her that if ever there was a time when it wouldn't be pulling teeth to get me to watch an Adam Sandler movie, this was that time.

Somehow, in between crying & DVD-buying, the whole situation became hilarious & I couldn't stop laughing. It was funny that I hadn't gotten around to filling up my gas tank. It was funny that one of my big weekend goals was to clean my car out. It was funny that I'd been planning on getting a tune-up for my car. It was freakin' hysterical that we'd just had Winter Safety Driving at my work, on Friday. Serious. The growth of pains in various parts of my body was amusing. (At the start, it was just my knee, but every 20 minutes or so I got a new pain - stomach, neck, collarbone, etc.)

So we picked up some beer on the way home. I phoned my insurance company to report the claim & my friend went out & got us pizza. I took a Valium, put on my pajamas, & cracked a beer. After the pizza, I promptly passed out (although I can't say I wasn't enjoying Happy Gilmore).

The next morning, my body was a compendium of pain. I noticed bruises in places I didn't think it was possible to get bruises. Every day it seems they get uglier & redder. My knee, my stomach, my collarbone, the inner part of one of my freakin' boobs, the bridge of my nose (from my glasses).

But, you know, shit happens. And maybe my precious Road Warrior isn't totaled. Even if it is, I'm so just getting another Corolla. Except this one will be gunmetal in color & have power windows. Although I got a snazzy lil' PT Cruiser for my rental car (is it totally lame to think that those are kinda cute? Who's the stereotypical Cruiser driver?), which I have to admit is pretty fun to drive.

Right now, though, I just wish I was still at home in my jammies.