Mmmmmmmmmmm

Yesterday I was here.

Today I am not.

Yesterday was worth the sun burning my corneas & leaving me in flaming waves of vicious eye pain, paranoid that my vision would be permanently scarred.**

If I'm wrong & there in fact IS a heaven, this is what mine would be. Of course, if I'm wrong, I don't think heaven is quite where I'm going to find myself in the end.

** I'm still in flaming waves of pain, but I can see clearly enough today. That three-hour drive home wins third place in my list of all-time worst driving experiences.

Blah Rain; Also, Hedgehogs & Welcome To The Super-Bitch

Uncle. I give up. I'll admit it: I fucking hate the rain. I hate it. I HATE IT. I don't care if that's why Oregon's so bleeding green. Well, to be honest, I hate it when it rains ceaselessly for DAYS ON END. Gray skies, a spot of rain, hell even a whole day of rain here & there, that's great. But it has been raining for four days with no relief.

Although waking up to melty rain on the skylight is pretty nice. I had a funny little dream last night about my folks' trailer converting to a spaceship, part of which involved David Thewlis having a button that would turn him into either a black cat or a hedgehog, depending. He also gave me chocolate. Apparently I like to plagiarize J.K. Rowling in my sleep. But the hedgehog bit, well, that's all me. One day. One day I will have my very own Spiny Norman. The dream lives!

Also, I quit smoking a couple of days ago. So I'm in super-bitch mode. I got a Chantix prescription from my doctor to help, but then I found out that I was going to have to take the pills for six months. Which seems kind of ridiculous. I quit once before, in 2003, & it only took a month before I felt human again. So I'm not taking any cessation aids, though I suspect I may break down today & buy some sugar free gum. I'm secretly fierce. Although being fierce is probably going to involve a lot of sleeping for the next few days, so maybe I'm more softly fierce than secretly.

I've got a couple of thoughts on the cold-turkey thing: (1) What's the point of eliminating poison if I have to use other poison to do it (including patches, gum, etc.)? & (2) I think it's better for me to get all the difficulty out of the way at once. I usually save the best for last, which means I have to go through the worst first, right? I'm not worried about reneging on the quitting so much - the way I look at it, it's goddamn hard & I ain't doing it but once. Besides, I'm in the process of detoxing my system overall in the next month or so, which won't exactly work if I pick up a cigarette, any more than it would work if I grabbed a cup of cofffee.

The only thing I think I have to manage is the way in which I react to sudden shocks to the system, because both times I started smoking, it wasn't really a gradual thing. It was a decision that I made in response to events - some retarded sort of revenge - "Oh yeah? Crap on me? I'll show you, world, I'll crap on myself!" But if my friend can go through freakin' Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans & not start smoking again, well sheesh, I got nothin' on that.

Also, I'm tired of having to go out in the rain to destroy myself. See? It's all a circle, folks. A CIRCLE OF ADORABLE HEDGEHOGS.

Oh, this is not some sort of lame-ass resolution thing, for the record. As if.

Finally: the third of season of "Lost"? I change my mind. I take back all those things I said about how "sick I was of the fucking Others" & that the six episodes I saw "kind of sucked". I suspect that Season 3 is, in fact, the best season yet. Those bastards got me back but good; & for the first time I truly believe that they actually do know where they're going with this. Bless 'em.

Fuck You, Heidi Klum

One day you're in, the next day you're in the crapper.

On Saturday I awoke feeling pretty shitty & dizzy, & decided to spend the day at home knitting to crap DVDs. Unfortunately, I ran out of crap. Then while reading US Weekly (which, for the record, is deliciously nasty), I saw that the third season of "Project Runway" only cost $28. So I decided to run out to Barnes & Ignoble to purchase it.

It was possibly the worst decision of my entire life.

How can I put this? I totaled my car. My beautiful, sturdy, dependable Road Warrior. Which won't even be paid off until 2012. I was making a left hand turn off NE 21st onto Multnomah. It was my duty to yield. Obviously, I didn't see any cars coming. But clearly I was wrong. One second I was starting my turn, the next my airbags were deployed & my windshield was smashed. I could hardly even open the driver's side door to get out.

I'll try to be succinct: I'm fine. To the best of my knowledge, the other driver is fine. The cars, on the other hand, are not. My Corolla is easily eight inches less in length than it used to be. The other car actually didn't look quite as wretched as mine. Thank God it was pretty much head-on; I didn't drive into the side of the other vehicle.

First I was shocked. Then I started crying. Mostly because there were all these people around - police, medical technicians, firemen - but nobody was talking to me! I started to feel like everybody hated me - stupid, to be sure, but clearly I was in a horrid frame of mind. They told me I could leave, so I started walking back toward home & called a friend to pick me up. She had to put her animals away (another long story!), & by the time she called me back I was walking past Everyday Music on Sandy, so I told her to pick me up there. I wanted some goddamn DVDs.

And some goddamn DVDs I got. I'd like to think I am the only person in the history of the world who has purchased these DVDs at the same time: Dirty Dancing (the 2-disc ULTIMATE edition, baby!), 13 Going On 30 (shut up - Jennifer Garner is human sparkles in this movie), & Kieslowski's The Decalogue. Because I've never made it more than 3 episodes either time I've tried to watch it, even though it's flat-out amazing, so I decided that if I owned it, eventually one day I would watch them all. My friend bought Happy Gilmore - I told her that if ever there was a time when it wouldn't be pulling teeth to get me to watch an Adam Sandler movie, this was that time.

Somehow, in between crying & DVD-buying, the whole situation became hilarious & I couldn't stop laughing. It was funny that I hadn't gotten around to filling up my gas tank. It was funny that one of my big weekend goals was to clean my car out. It was funny that I'd been planning on getting a tune-up for my car. It was freakin' hysterical that we'd just had Winter Safety Driving at my work, on Friday. Serious. The growth of pains in various parts of my body was amusing. (At the start, it was just my knee, but every 20 minutes or so I got a new pain - stomach, neck, collarbone, etc.)

So we picked up some beer on the way home. I phoned my insurance company to report the claim & my friend went out & got us pizza. I took a Valium, put on my pajamas, & cracked a beer. After the pizza, I promptly passed out (although I can't say I wasn't enjoying Happy Gilmore).

The next morning, my body was a compendium of pain. I noticed bruises in places I didn't think it was possible to get bruises. Every day it seems they get uglier & redder. My knee, my stomach, my collarbone, the inner part of one of my freakin' boobs, the bridge of my nose (from my glasses).

But, you know, shit happens. And maybe my precious Road Warrior isn't totaled. Even if it is, I'm so just getting another Corolla. Except this one will be gunmetal in color & have power windows. Although I got a snazzy lil' PT Cruiser for my rental car (is it totally lame to think that those are kinda cute? Who's the stereotypical Cruiser driver?), which I have to admit is pretty fun to drive.

Right now, though, I just wish I was still at home in my jammies.

Toothsomewhatless

It is so very extremely fantastically wonderful to not have my wisdom teeth! My mouth feels great as long as I forget that there are two gaping holes in there. Well, by now they're hopefully two blood-clotted holes. No longer will Mr. Cuts Like a Knife over there on the right continue digging that hole in my cheek. Mr. Massive Cavity on the left will never freak me out again. And although I still maintain that dentistry is highway robbery (grand out-of-pocket total including pills was about $834 - insurance kicked in $1K), I'm so so happy that I finally went in & took care of shit. I, in fact, owned it.

Also, can I say that I love my dentist. He's awesome. My only complaint is that it's a bit difficult to laugh when your mouth is full of metal & someone's squirting water down your throat. After I posited that the drill sounded more like angry pigeons than the cooing of doves he'd promised, he made cooing noises every time he did something that I thought might hurt.

Afterward one of the techs mentioned that Scarlett Johannson was alleged to have recently had one of her wisdom teeth dipped in gold & given to a boyfriend. I said that I ought to take Mr. Massive Cavity (yeah, I looked at 'em after they were out; & yeah, Mr. MC weren't too pretty) & mail it to my ex-boyfriend with a note that says, "Now that I no longer support you financially, dental care is not just a dream". C'mon, it's funny! And disturbing. But funny. And pointless, since I didn't keep 'em anyway.

I did stay home on Friday, but I felt more exhausted than pained. Eh, the whole thing was a lovely excuse to sit on my butt all weekend high on painkillers, knit & watch crap ("Scrubs"; Blades of Glory; The Women (okay, that one's not crap, but actually pretty good, if a bit shrill)). I even broke down & got a coaxial cable on Sunday. It's not as bad as it sounds though - I'm knitting like a madman right now & require accompanying audiovisual stimulation that is not dependent so much on the visual part. Football is actually the perfect program to knit to! I shit you not. Think about it - it's 60 minutes of actual game time that takes 180+ minutes to complete. So, if I knit during all the non-game stuff, that's two solid hours of straight knit-time. It works out wonderfully - I get lots done, & I'm not bored senseless by commercials & all that standing around they do on the field.

Somewhat Curious

When someone's had a headache for six straight days, what are the possible medical reasons &/or ramifications?

And should I be worried?

If this is all gonna end in some Scanners-type action, that's cool.


I mean, yeah. I'd prefer my head to not explode. But at least it would mean something's gonna happen besides me having this headache for the rest of my life.

Which is getting a little old.

The Pain, It Blossoms Like A Nasty Bitch Of A Flower

I have a headache. This is nothing new. I've been prone to headaches for a while. The kind that start & grow & last all day & make my head throb, in the back mostly. The kind that are OTC medication-proof (so much so that I don't even bother trying to medicate the pain anymore). The kind that I imagine result from lots of alchohol, lots of caffeine, lots of crap food, lots of cigarettes, & very little sleep.

I must admit that I am puzzled as to why I'm still getting them, though. I've not had a drink for ages. I cut the coffee back to two cups a week (down from about 28 oz a day, mind), almost a month ago. My food consumption has been sickeningly healthy. I sleep, maybe not the recommended 8, but enough for my needs. Every day I walk between 1 to 6 miles, so while I'm not superactive, I'm not sedentary either. I'm still smoking, but christ, I gave up alchohol, caffeine, & "comfort" food. The cigarette-quitting is just gonna have to wait a while. Besides, I've been a smoker off & on for 10 lung-blackening years now. The skull pain is a much more recent occurrence.

So, then, why the continual headaches? They don't fit the migraine profile - not debilitating enough, plus I've none of the attendant symptoms. Definitely not cluster headaches. Not rebound headaches from overmedicating, either. I guess they're just normal ol' tension headaches. Not even special enough to qualify as chronic tension-type headaches, really, since I only get them every few weeks, not 15 days a month.

Wait...could this be...the answer? At least for the special pain club megamix of yesterday & today? According to Wikipedia, "One of the theories says that the main cause for tension type headaches and migraine is teeth clenching which causes a chronic contraction of the temporalis muscle". I've always had a bit of TMJ disc displacement, enough so that both sides of my jaw pop rather disgustingly, but not painful enough to make me do anything about it. However, in the past few days I've definitely noticed that my jaw has been really, really tense & tight. There has indeed been some teeth clenching in the hizzy. Also, I have been known to grind them in my sleep. Perhaps if I consciously try to relax my lower mouth area, this will abate.

Um, also, if you have a headache & are feeling badly you should check this out. It will probably make you realize that, actually, your headache ain't all that bad. Although the picture I've chosen is a pretty accurate representation of how I feel.

EDIT: Ended up having to leave work early. Went home, laid down & feltthepain all night. Read a bit of The Man Who Ate Everything (I WILL finish it someday, dammit), but mostly just slept. The headache is gone but for some dull residual pain. Relaxing my jaw, however, has turned out to be well nigh impossible, unless two conditions are met: (1) I'm actively thinking about it & (2) I'm actively relaxing (there's a tad of oxymoron in there, no?).

Also, I've been thinking about it, & have concluded that given that the enormously strong constitution & overall level of health I enjoy (which I've done precious little to deserve) I ought to just stop whining about the searing headpain I get every once in awhile. I mean, bad health things don't happen to me. I hardly ever even get the sniffles. Most of the time I wish I could share my health insurance with other people. I feel guilty for not using it. Ooh, but I've decided I'm gonna go to a doctor in the next month or so, to make sure I don't need to worry about these headaches. Also because I sneeze a lot at work, which I attribute to an allergic reaction to office drone work in general, but would like to confirm. Mostly, though, because I have some money in an FSA & I'm worried I'm not gonna use it otherwise.